Sins and Addictions
I am so AMAZED by my God. He is so present in the midst of my disorder, always showing up and reminding me of his goodness, even when I am in my deepest and most shameful actions or thoughts.
Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak.
Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
I am sick at heart.
How long, O Lord, until you restore me?
Man life is tough. Ana has challenged me to quite the hard and long battle. Specifically over the past two days.. I have restricted more than I have in a while, and it all feels so impossible.
BUT ITS NOT.
Ultimately, I want my disorder to glorify him. I want to fight through the distorted thoughts and twist them to honour him. I want my motives for recovery to be entirely about HIS love for ME. I am worthy.
From the beginning of this battle, Christ has carried me. There has not be a single moment where he has not held me, provided a sense of peace or reminded me that “I’ve got you”. And that is just it, that is all I need to overcome.
Food is not scary. Food is not impossible.
I came across an article today that I LOVE. It is so freakin’ applicable to my life, with my addiction to my anorexia. Check out the article here.
The article outlines such important reminders for people who are struggling to understand the complexity of the addiction. It no way is it as simple as “just eat”, “if you recognize that you are sinning, just stop” or, “to fully be a christian, you have to stop your sin or you are not living out christianity fully”.
- CHRISTIAN’S DO NOT CLAIM TO BE SINLESS: As outlined in 1 John 1:8, If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth.
Who is to say what the qualifications are between your relationship with Christ? Remember, though we understand that we are sinners, we cannot use this as an excuse to sin.
- WILLING BUT DON’T KNOW HOW: Why would I ever desire to be overwhelmed by the addiction that I face? (The Kathryn part of me would never at least). I would not wish this upon my worst enemy. This disorder has absolutely messed with my life, makes me question my identity and not to mention how sick you become, physically and mentally. It sucks – and that’s an understatement. I just don’t know how to fully surrender this to Christ. It’s a work in progress. Willingness is not the issue at hand here.
- NEED OF A SAVIOUR: My sin is TOO BIG for me to handle. I have learned the importance of depending on others, the importance of getting help from people. In order for me to recover, I need support and encouragement. There is no other way around this. I do not trust my own ability in pushing myself to get better. Ultimately, Christ is the biggest support and comfort through this disorder. Ultimately, he has the ability and power to move mountains. Curing me from this disorder is a piece of cake for him 🙂
- GOD’S FORGIVENESS DOES NOT RUN OUT: Ephesians 4:32 reminds us: Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
God has the impossible ability to forgive us. He is forever merciful (Romans 5:20). God has a grip on me. He is never letting go, no matter how much Ana makes me push away.
Go away, all you who do evil,
for the Lord has heard my weeping.
The Lord has heard my plea;
the Lord will answer my prayer.
May all my enemies be disgraced and terrified.
May they suddenly turn back in shame.
She makes devo time a little bit cuter 🙂