Steps in the Right Direction
Progress and acknowledging God’s goodness though it all.
This evening I went out for all you can eat sushi and I ate exactly 22 pieces of sushi. Nothing more and nothing less.
How many calories would that be about and is it really worth it? I could probably guess but that doesn’t matter and yes, yes all you can eat sushi is always worth it.
Tonight came home and started packing up my room in preparation of moving out in five days. As I have been packing 18 years into these small cardboard boxes, it has given me a lot of time to think and reflect. As I take down the many notes of encouragements and truths about my body, what I need to remind myself to believe. It is amazing to see my progress and joy through that all.
Accepting that my pant size has gone up two sizes since first enrolled in treatment has not been easy, it’s something I am typically ashamed of and tend to convince myself that I will get back down in no time. Or, learning to accept and love when you share your story with a coworker and once they hear you have suffered from anorexia, they proceed to make the dangerous statement of, “you look good now, Kathryn.” My brain tries to tell me so many things… that I wont truly be loved by a man, or accepted by my parents since my pant size has gone up. Or when a coworker tries to encourage and commend me for all the progress in recovery that I’ve made, I twist it into them telling me that I’ve gained weight that I need to get rid of.
Oh the distorted thoughts that this disorder brings upon you even in periods of time that you feel positive, when you fear less foods, or times that you start loving your body just a little more and thanking it for all that it has done for you.
This eating disorder still has such a toll on my heart in so many different directions. As I am working through different exercises with Ashley, like writing out lists and love letters to my ED, I am learning more and more about it and how to react to it at specific times. Yet I still face moments of extreme sadness and discouragement. I still have nights where I lay in bed, tears in my eyes as I listen to my disorder list off a million and one things that are wrong with my body, and I feel my skin and turn in discomfort. I am very aware of my lack of admitting when I am struggling and trying to hide that with keeping myself busy in my work and other responsibilities. I am so aware of my need for support and love from my friends and family this school year and yet the disorder part of me doesn’t want the support. I don’t know how to ask for help and I don’t know what I even need from people at this point.
I am genuinely fearful of myself some days. I am worried that the disorder will slowly squish its way further and further in, taking advantage of me in a time of stress and in the midst of feeling overwhelmed this upcoming year.
I am constantly remembering that recovery isn’t just something that I chose when I shared my story video on that very emotional Wednesday evening, but recovery is something that I must chose every single day when I wake. There are days that I do not chose recovery. There are still the odd days that I fall into the pits of lies from the disorder and allow myself to believe that I do not have the right to eat and live my life to its full extent. It is something that I have to want and pursue. I am working on reminding myself to not feel discouraged just because I have faced a few hard days, but to keep pushing forward and trying my hardest to care enough to want to recover.
I rewatched the video of Cassie and my story. I still get goosebumps, being so aware of the strength of Christ on this night. I still am in shock that I took this step in coming out and sharing this video, and all that makes sense to me in the goodness of the Lord in me.
If you want, you can check it out here:
I am so in awe of the opportunities that opening up and telling my story has lead to. Taking that step and getting help has formed who I am today, has built so many relationships and, I hope, has encouraged others to not be afraid to speak up about their own stories.
I can only continue to pursue my blog, to focus on my recovery and to learn techniques that help me beat my disorder, in hope and prayer that I can help others one day too.
I will be writing soon.