Fried Chicken & All Its Caloric Glory
I’ve fallen a bit back into old habits of counting calories throughout my day. I was so deep within that addiction for over a year, and finally broke free from it a few months back. Now ED symptoms are heightening and old addictive behaviours such as counting caloric values are making me a slave yet again.
Change. The very thing that I tend to shy away from. Change makes me uncomfortable. I like my life to go as expected, to be aware of things that will be thrown my way, but silly me – I still haven’t come to terms with life never turning out that way.
I am facing so much change over the next few months. I recently got a promotion at work, I work 40 hours a week and have a lot more responsibility. I have committed to working 26 hours while I am in first year (lol pray for me). I have signed a lease, moving out September 3rd into an apartment with Juju. I am leaving my home for the very first time, and being independent isn’t always easy (or safe) with an ED… but I can’t let it stop me from living my life. I am getting started on my education, this year I have grown to a point of health where I can get started on my studies, unlike the place that I was in last year.
Promotion, moving out, starting school, and still finding normality within all of this will be a challenge. I have talked with Ashley and my parents to discuss the rules and qualifications for me to be successful next year. Still prioritizing my Trellis appointments while in school, eating a few meals a week with my parents and needing to maintain a specific weight in order to live outside of home, or stay in school while only taking four courses at a time. Not to mention the communications that my family want to have with Julia and Cody as I am in school, seeing as I will be with those two day in and day out.
The idea of independent freedom that is expected by most students plunging into this stage in life is a little different for me. I realize that these are all precautions to only benefit me in the long run, and I am trying my very best to love my parents and all my support team through these challenges.
This past week I spent an afternoon with Cody, we ran to the grocery store to pick up a few things that he needed a home but he got hungry, so we stopped to get him some lunch on the way home. He had cravings. And he listened to what his body was communicating to him.
Hunger. Okay let’s get food.
Cravings. Okay let’s get him FRIED CHICKEN.
The anorexia in my brain started panicking for him at this point.
I told him I didn’t want to eat, so he grabbed some food for himself. We went in and he ordered a meal. And, thanks to the FDA’s recent menu labelling law, the majority or restaurant have to label the caloric values of their food. I’m not even going to get into the value of the calories, but it was enough to set me off. I shut down and didn’t say much. Cody is really aware and can read when I get triggered. He himself has picked up on the things that get me upset, and understanding how much this disorder has controlled my life, it angers him to see the caloric values on menus just as much as me. So he got the meal, just to prove a point to my eating disorder.
But a few days earlier Cody came over late after work, we wanted to just watch a movie, I was a little moody so we resorted to a quiet night in. This night I had some courage, I have a tea latte (went through a few weeks of only drinking teas at work) and we went to the store to pick up some snack for our movie night. We both wanted cheesecake. SO I told my screaming ED to screw off and we bought some. A piece later and halfway through the movie we both passed. I woke up the next day with some crazy strange conflicting feelings. Part of me felt on top of the world by eating that piece of cheesecake, understanding that before this disorder Kathryn would jump at any chance to eat it. The other part of me felt overwhelmed with guilt. Why did I think I had the right to eat that? And that day was more of a rough day, but I made it through. I concluded that evening with confirmation that I was loved and wanted by so many people, and I deserve nothing more than to one day believe that myself.
Pretty pumped to take on what this upcoming year has to offer, I have some of the best people by my side so I don’t have any reason to be concerned. I know I have the ability and strength to fight back and eat without fears one day. I know I will get to a place where I can be helping other people suffering under this disorder too. One day I’ll eat friend chicken and embrace the caloric value with no fears, only smiles of victory.