Back at it – working 40+ hours, squeezing in friends and family time into any free moment I get, and still taking care of who I am… working through recovery, fighting against those unexpected panic attacks, the few skipped meals on a bad day, or the odd time I feel an old familiar temptation to purge.
Home from down under. My trip was amazing, but I was pushed with my disorder in so many ways. And coming home now makes me realize how much work is still needed and how much still needs to get addressed. Though I am physically able to survive every day, mentally I feel like I have been steadily drowning.
My friend had to unfortunately cancel our lunch plans today, something had come up.
This morning I was getting into the shower, stripping my body from all my overnight clothes and before hopping in the shower, I got a glimpse of my bare skin in the mirror when I stopped and stared.
This is where Ed consumes my brain – thoughts are no longer Kathryn but the disorder.
I find myself feel ashamed. I feel embarrassed. Like I am not worthy or good enough.
“How could I look like THIS and still be loved?”
At that moment there was a relief that lunch had been cancelled today, my eating disorder celebrated.
I fricken hate Ed.
I move on, take my shower and when finished, quickly wrap my body in my towel and run past the mirror without a glimpse. I get into my room where I quickly check my phone.
“Goodmorning beautiful.” Just when I needed to read that text.
I look up at my wall, “Take heart! I have overcome!” (John 16:33)
And my brother greeted me this morning with a cup of coffee and a warm goodmorning, reminding me how much I love relaxed mornings surrounded by the people that I adore.
I open my notebook and forced my eyes to the list of reasons WHY I chose recovery each day – prompting myself to add a few reasons why I chose recovery today.
I still felt uncomfortable with my body so this is what I do.
Stand in front of the mirror and force yourself to point out every angle and blemish that you adore. Reasons that you love your body. Thank it for all the care and fight that it has done for you. Apologize for all the stress and pain that you have put it though. Hug yourself and don’t let go until you feel your mind slowly starting to get clear thoughts coming from YOU and not the disorder. Smile at yourself and tell yourself that you are worthy and beautiful. You are.
Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.
-Louise L. Hay, You Can Heal Your Life