Okay to not be okay.
Permission to feel.
I’ve been trying my best to focus on my honest feelings and thoughts, instead of pushing them away to try to get them to disappear, but bringing them to the surface and embracing such, sharing with others, and not being discouraged in any way.
I think that’s the issue. I have been lying to myself and to others for nearly two months now about my thoughts and feelings due to fear of disappointment now that I am getting treatment and in recovery. But the matter of fact is that there will likely be more trials and strains through the period that I try to fight back against this disorder.
So for those that know, I have travelled to Australia. I’ve spent one full day here and there has been so many different emotions and feelings just thus far. Trying my best to acknowledge them when I can, embrace them and share them with someone else.
Restless. Flying for nearly 30 hours straight can become a bit tedious. Sleeping only fulfills so much of the trek, and movies can only be stimulating for a fraction of the flight – or until your butt gets so sore from sitting still for such extent times.
Exhaustion. As we got ready for bed last night we were unclear of exactly how long we have been awake for… through the travelling we skipped a day and unclear of timing. We went to the mall in town here, walking there with the three guys for an hour at what was 6am Canadian time, after not sleeping for how ever long it was – it was quite the experience. Last night I woke at 2am Australian time, my body telling me it was noon, but I went back to sleep trying my best to adjust, 12 hours later and somehow I still don’t feel fully rested?
Irritable. This is pretty obvious. Lack of sleep + 30 hours of travel + extensive heat = irritable Kathryn. First thing I did this morning was apologize to Kev for my passive aggressive attitude the night before haha.
Full. Eating the best I can while I am here. It’s been a challenge, and trying to get full proportions into me, but voices in my head are also pretty loud, trying to convince me to take advantage of the time I have away from home and my treatment plan, but I am going to do my best to fight back 🙂
Happy. Seeing Kev for the first time was amazing. My heart was full and I don’t think I could have smiled any more. I ran into the YWAM base and straight into his arms… missed him more than anything.
Excited. This is only just the start of the adventure. Townsville is our first stop. Were going to Magnetic Island with Jeff and Kev for the night tomorrow to snorkel and to get away and catch up as our group. Monday we say our goodbyes and head to Brisbane for a few days, followed by another two weeks of different Australian cities, then two weeks in New Zealand. I’m really looking forward to all the adventurous stories and memories that will be made over the next month. I’ll do my best to keep up with my blogs.
Home. Already told Jess that I’m missing my parents, Julia and Cody a ton. SO this morning I got to FaceTime Cody and Julia, which was a taste of home. I got to listen to them bicker back and forward, talk about pizza and their temptation to jump on a plane tomorrow and fly over seas to travel with us. My heart is so full for all these wonderful people 🙂
Accountability. Learning that it is okay to admit when I am struggling, even when I don’t want to tell people. I messaged Cassie last night, asking for some support and encouragement as I was struggling with negative food and body thoughts, all driven by my far too familiar eating disorder. I just need to do my best and connect with people from time to time, especially when I need the encouragement or prayers.
Vulnerability. Kevin and I had a heart to heart last night. Talked a lot about our relationship and the neglect that we both contributed prior to him leaving for YWAM. We discussed my eating disorder and how thankful I am with how he made things as normal as he could at home. Our conversation finished with tears as he told me, “I think I know the Kathryn before the eating disorder better than anyone else, and all I want more than ever is to take any and every opportunity I can to allow her to be shown.”
I will mess up.
I will be discouraged.
I will feel hopeless.
There is no shame in these thoughts and feelings. Instead, there needs to be an embrace of such in order to heal and therefore grow from given distorted situations.
It’s okay to not be okay.
It’s okay to feel.
It’s okay to need help.
It’s okay to not be perfect.
Recovery is all about getting help in order to heal – to get help you must be open to admitting when you need it.
Stay tuned for many more blogs and many more photos.