Top Ten Recents
It’s been a while. I’ve been having trouble with motivation or desire to write recently. Things have been hard… yet steps towards a healthy recovered Kathryn does to 🙂 So life does its thing.
TOP TEN RECENTS IN MY LIFE:
Christmas shopping. I LOVE THE FESTIVENESS OF CHRISTMAS SO MUCH. This past week my extreme Christmas shopping has commenced. Though my bank account has been crying, I have been SO excited to spend money and time on those in my life. I am about 3/4 of the way complete!
Car jams. Holy moly, Jess and I were driving home from Stratford the other day when we came across some of Taylor Swift’s old songs, we turned the volume to max and started blaring and dancing all the way home. So so so fun.
Eating in larger groups. At my most recent appointment, the therapist and I talked about how scary it was for me to eat in front of anyone. With my birthday and Christmas quickly approaching, I was instructed to slowly start eating in front of bigger groups. To begin, my two oldest brothers came over the other night. It was so great to have the family together again for dinner, yet also brought many anxieties. This week holds a celebration for my birthday… and that’s with about 20 people. I cannot begin to express my anxieties over this, it has been so bad that I have seriously contemplated cancelling the celebration. The silly thing is, I know that the people coming to this celebration are all aware of the disorder and how much it controls my mind, and I cannot begin to express the love and support that everyone has been since finding out… there really is no adequate reason to justify my distorted anxieties, so this is me battling eating in front of 20 people this week!
Alcohol. AS I TYPE I AM LITERALLY DRINKING AN ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGE! This is a BIG deal everyone. I haven’t drank since halloween, and as I expressed in that blog post, even that night was a challenge. Fear foods are always a thing and are always different for every person suffering from anorexia. Recently, a huge one for me has been alcohol. Liquid calories are a thing – a thing yes, but a thing not to give a rats ass about! But today I chose my own alcohol, and chose how much to mix with carbonated water and voilà! I am now sipping on alcohol – what a testament of God’s power, control and encouragement.
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
Two jobs. So last time I wrote, I am pretty sure that I shared how I was leaving the bux and starting as a host in a restaurant job… WELL, much like how most things in my life dont’t go as planned, I am now staying with the bux 15 hours a week and also working the hostess position. This is something I am really excited about, I loved working for Starbucks, but being there all day everyday was feeding the disorder thoughts to obsess over. So now, I am loving the mix of the two!
Holiday celebrations. It is that time of year again… the time where families gather, share joyful laughs, political debates, open gifts, and eat tons and tons and tons of food. Typically, this time of year is a time that people anticipate, “whereas” (@ MaddieBaumen) people that suffer from disordered eating typically fear and avoid at all costs. SO yes, I am very nervous for the next few weeks, and am going to try my best but I also don’t want to be disappointed in myself if things don’t go perfectly, immense progress has been made in the past few months.
Chicken fingers. So since all my meals are prepared and distributed out for me, my parents quickly whipped up a lunch I could eat before I fled off to my shift the other day. Chicken fingers and potato wedges. Ha. This meals my mind was consumed with disordered thoughts…. how could I eat that? Are you aware of the calorie count in those deep fried chicken tenders? How can you get out of this meal? But there was no out. I sat there and had to eat the entire to tenders and a few fries, this is a SMALL lunch for most people, but it took me what felt like forever to get through.
Road test. This week I have officially become a licensed G driver!! (how? I am not too sure). I swear I almost cried in the test. The instructor was really cold and she kept writing things down on her page. I was almost positive that I failed, until she said, “Congratulations Kathryn, you have met the ministry’s requirements…” Wow what a praise!
Christmas Traditions. Today my mom and I had our annual Christmas baking afternoon, we made cinnamon buns for Christmas morning (plus some extra to test out this evening). This baking experience was hard, thats for sure… my mind was filling with reasons to not eat these on Christmas morning and than thoughts about how disappointed I would be in myself if I didn’t allow myself to eat them. What a constant battle it is. Sometimes I think battling yourself is the most uncomfortable and infuriating battle anyone can face.
Consuming thoughts. I’ve been really struggling recently, feeling pretty hopeless in recovery. The devil is at work, trying to discourage me and pry me away from all my support and growth that I have built up in the past few months. I have been so reluctant to write any posts, as I feel like since I made it a public blog that I had to put on a show…. that I had to always be okay, going in the right direction and never failing at a battle. How wrong was I. This blog was created to be an output of my thoughts, to be able to share my battles, little big deals and even losses. This blog is a safe place for me to celebrate and cry, a safe place for me to share my thoughts – regardless of whether the people reading it understand or not. Most of the time people wont, and that just means that they don’t have a distorted relationship with food, which is SUCH a great thing. I just am tired of fearing such a safe place. I don’t always have to be okay, most of the time I am not… but ultimately the Lord has victory over my disorder, He has won.
Always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think & twice as beautiful as you’d ever imagined.