He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever. Revelation 21:4 Mail. I checked the mail this morning. I got a letter from a really unexpected person. Initially […]
Month: December 2016
Many are saying of me, “God will not deliver him.”But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. I call out to the LORD, and he answers me from his holy mountain.I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side.Psalm 3:2-6
Why do I not believe in (or support) dieting????!!!!!???? According to Google, the EXACT definiton for ‘Dieting’ is, “restrict oneself to small amounts or special kinds of food in order to lose weight.” Firstly, absolutely NO food is bad and should never EVER be feared! […]
It’s been a while. I’ve been having trouble with motivation or desire to write recently. Things have been hard… yet steps towards a healthy recovered Kathryn does to 🙂 So life does its thing. TOP TEN RECENTS IN MY LIFE: Christmas shopping. I LOVE THE FESTIVENESS […]
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I went to meet with my therapist at Trellis today, this appointment has brought a lot of anger yet also some peace.
As every appointment begins, I am the only one taken into the room with the therapist, while my parents wait in another room. First things first: the scale. The scale is my nightmare…. I have developed such an unhealthy relationship with it throughout my disorder, always depending on the number it shows to dictate how I would feel about myself for that day. I know – it’s messed.
After I was weighed, the appointment went on, things were said that made me cringe, fill with anger and even break down and cry. More than anything, I just wish there was an easy way out of this terrible chronic illness.
As the appointment came to an end, my therapist told us that my weight has not increased since the last appointment, but instead it has decreased a bit… food intake was not sufficient enough, now I have to have larger portions. At this point I was ready to scream and run out. I have felt as though all that I have been doing is NON STOP EATING. I feel like every meal or snack my parents are feeding me a cow – to think that they are now instructed to feed me more?!?!?!
Overjoyed. When I heard that my weight has not just stayed constant but it has dropped a bit my initial thought was “YES! Good work!”. That was very temporary as shortly after I felt discouraged and even pissed off. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? – my parents have been feeding me CONSTANTLY, with scary and FULL plates, and it isn’t paying off at all?!?!? Am I going through this torture for nothing?
My first reaction was to reach out and get some reminders about what I really want through this recovery, and WHY I want recovery. I shot Matt a text.
Each day you have a choice: to acknowledge the beauty of a situation, or to focus on the overwhelming negative adversity it brings.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. || Romans 8:28
- Battling this disorder in secret. I spent about a year and a half trying my best to ignore and hide the disorder from others, thinking that in time it would disappear – the suffering only got worse.
- Telling Cassie. Coming to someone who is also facing this horrific illness and sharing with them, listening to their advice, loving and encouraging one another through years of shame and loss.
- Telling my family.
This is by far the scariest things I have done.Opening up to them meant I was getting help. There was no turning back, there was no direction but help.
- Enrolling in Trellis. THIS is by far the scariest thing I have ever done. This meant I was literally giving up all control (in order to GAIN control back of my life).
- Sharing my struggles publicly. I have always struggled with bringing my secrets into the light, I have always hid the things I am shameful of, I have always struggled with being vulnerable. Christ taught me the importance of depending on your brother and sisters in your trials, and this is vital in the healing process. So what did I do? Shared my video testimony and blog online for the world to see. Now it’s all up in His hands to do what needs to be done with it.
- Resolved past wounds. I have struggled with forgiveness, and giving people the benefit of the doubt… especially when they really hurt me. This past month has been filled with new beginnings, forgiveness and peace.
THESE are just a snippet of the CRAZY progressions I have overcome. Just because my weight may not have been up this time, that does not mean that I have not come so far. I am slowly reintroducing Kathryn again. I am SO excited to get to know her again, and thoroughly just her.
The biggest thing to recognize though, is dependance on my Father. Without Him through this battle, I would have absolutely no desire to seek and pursue treatment.
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do al this through him who gives me strength. || Philippians 4:11-13
Don’t lose hope. God has overcome, God is sovereign, and Christ has already claimed victory over the power of this disorder through his death on the cross. As you walk through this with Him, speak out the truth that Christ has won and no sin or temptation can be in the presence of the Risen King, and no voice of ED has power over the words of Christ saying, “It is finished”. God loves you abundantly more than you can fathom, and loves you unconditionally and fiercely; He payed the price of His only son’s blood to call you His daughter. He made you beautiful, in His image, unique, and exactly how He wanted. Walk in his victory, walk in that hope, and rejoice in every circumstance because of those truths.