Month: December 2016

Update!

Update!

He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever. Revelation 21:4 Mail. I checked the mail this morning. I got a letter from a really unexpected person. Initially […]

Eighteen

Eighteen

What a year to be alive, finally an adult – woot woot! Not that it changes much, now I can legally buy lottery tickets (which I did today) and go to prison (which I hope never happens)… but thats about it. It is still exciting […]

Staff Room Therapy … ?

Staff Room Therapy … ?

Many are saying of me, “God will not deliver him.”
But you, LORD, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. I call out to the LORD, and he answers me from his holy mountain.
I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.
I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side.
Psalm 3:2-6
It’s my birthday tomorrow.
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Though I don’t have the craziest day planned, I am excited to say that I will finally be 18.
Celebrations with my close friends were held over the past weekend, and I have a few more one-on-one coffee dates to look forward to as the week proceeds forward!
Today I want to talk a little bit about my second home, Starbucks.
With tomorrow being my birthday I get a birthday drink at starbucks, meaning that I get any drink I want with any extra modifications at any size for FREE. Most people would take advantage of this and jump at ordering a $9 drink. This disorder inside me has prepared my mind for the past few days, telling me that I can’t drink anything other than a tea. This makes me so furious, I shouldn’t fear the milk or the sweeteners within ONE DRINK. I don’t want to fear any form of a beverage, its coffee for goodness sake. So I am challenging myself to order something off the menu that isn’t tea, something out of my comfort zone and without thinking of the calories, something that I won’t look back on spending my free birthday drink on but instead look back and be proud of myself that on my 18th birthday I got to celebrate drinking a Starbuck’s signature drink. I’ll keep you all posted in the following blog post.
I started at my new store last week, the people there are so kind and welcoming… most referring to me as “Kevin’s sister”… the usual.  I went back on bar, double baring with my brother and I must say that we killed it. I love working alongside him, everywhere we go we always find a way to make one another laugh.
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I got to talk with some of the sweetest coworkers, they are all very genuine and know how to make work a fun place to be. Towards the end of my shift, I was on my last break. As I was sitting in the back room my shift supervisor approached me. Julia, better known as Juju, we got into a conversation about schooling. Turns out were both taking some time off to work to save right now, we both have an interest in the field of psychology and we both have a passion to help people. She asked more about that passion so I shared my story of my disorder. We were both in so much agreement on everything said, to the point that it was too weird that we both understood the disorder and agreed in unison. I knew this couldn’t just be a coincidence, there HAD to be something more. Juju continued and opened up about her story, she has battled an eating disorder too. She was hospitalized for several months when she was in grade 8, she struggled to eat and to see herself with a healthy way. She continued to share her story as it went on throughout high school and her healing process, what a celebration it is that today she considers herself recovered! We shared more of our stories, to the point where time flew by and I was 7 minutes past my break end time, but we related on a crazy amount. I love talking with people who get it, simply for that reason, you can try to explain the disorders way of thoughts and motives to someone who is not sick, but as much as you try there will not be a full understanding…. because the way of the disorder truly does not work on logical thought. A coffee date for us outside of the workplace is truly necessary to talk in more depth.
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Doesn’t she radiate? 
Before all of this even happened, I specifically remember noticing something from earlier on that shift. I was on bar when Juju was on break. She sat at one of the bar stools which overlooked the bar, just to my right. I found myself constantly glancing up at her during this time. I noticed what and how she was eating, a multigrain bagel toasted with cream cheese, alongside a tall 2% flat white. I was obsessed with these few minutes, finding it hard to think of anything else. I admired how calm she was when she was eating, casually having conversations with the other baristas, laughing and then going back to eat more. She ate out in the lobby, where all the other customers could see her. I couldn’t stop thinking of the calmness and confidence she held at this time. I wanted it so bad. My insides were screaming with anxiety, I want to be like that too. I want to be confident, calm and relaxed as I casually eat my meal and drink my beverage (something other than a tea preferably).
This moment was so evidently driven by the hyperawareness of food and the way people eat caused by the disorder. But even more, this moment was not just a coincidence, there was a plan in why I had to analyze her habits on her break, and it all came together at the end of the shift when her and I got to share our stories.
This is SUCH a testament to the goodness of our God, placing people who can encourage one another in the right direction at the right times.
One day I will get to eat a bagel with cream cheese and drink a latte out in public without ANY hesitations. It will just take some healing first but I will get there.
Why I do not Believe in Dieting

Why I do not Believe in Dieting

Why do I not believe in (or support) dieting????!!!!!???? According to Google, the EXACT definiton for ‘Dieting’ is, “restrict oneself to small amounts or special kinds of food in order to lose weight.” Firstly, absolutely NO food is bad and should never EVER be feared! […]

Top Ten Recents

Top Ten Recents

It’s been a while. I’ve been having trouble with motivation or desire to write recently. Things have been hard… yet steps towards a healthy recovered Kathryn does to 🙂 So life does its thing.   TOP TEN RECENTS IN MY LIFE: Christmas shopping. I LOVE  THE FESTIVENESS […]

Progresses and Triumphs

Progresses and Triumphs

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39

I went to meet with my therapist at Trellis today, this appointment has brought a lot of anger yet also some peace.

As every appointment begins, I am the only one taken into the room with the therapist, while my parents wait in another room. First things first: the scale. The scale is my nightmare…. I have developed such an unhealthy relationship with it throughout my disorder, always depending on the number it shows to dictate how I would feel about myself for that day. I know – it’s messed.

After I was weighed, the appointment went on, things were said that made me cringe, fill with anger and even break down and cry. More than anything, I just wish there was an easy way out of this terrible chronic illness.

As the appointment came to an end, my therapist told us that my weight has not increased since the last appointment, but instead it has decreased a bit… food intake was not sufficient enough, now I have to have larger portions.  At this point I was ready to scream and run out. I have felt as though all that I have been doing is NON STOP EATING. I feel like every meal or snack my parents are feeding me a cow – to think that they are now instructed to feed me more?!?!?!

Overjoyed. When I heard that my weight has not just stayed constant but it has dropped a bit my initial thought was “YES! Good work!”. That was very temporary as shortly after I felt discouraged and even pissed off. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? – my parents have been feeding me CONSTANTLY, with scary and FULL plates, and it isn’t paying off at all?!?!? Am I going through this torture for nothing?

My first reaction was to reach out and get some reminders about what I really want through this recovery, and WHY I want recovery. I shot Matt a text.

Progress. ‘The development of an individual or society in a direction considered more beneficial than and superior to the previous level.’ Or, ‘a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage.’

Each day you have a choice: to acknowledge the beauty of a situation, or to focus on the overwhelming negative adversity it brings.

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And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. || Romans 8:28

  1. Battling this disorder in secret. I spent about a year and a half trying my best to ignore and hide the disorder from others, thinking that in time it would disappear – the suffering only got worse.
  2. Telling Cassie. Coming to someone who is also facing this horrific illness and sharing with them, listening to their advice, loving and encouraging one another through years of shame and loss.
  3. Telling my family. This is by far the scariest things I have done.  Opening up to them meant I was getting help. There was no turning back, there was no direction but help.
  4. Enrolling in Trellis. THIS is by far the scariest thing I have ever done. This meant I was literally giving up all control (in order to GAIN control back of my life).
  5. Sharing my struggles publicly. I have always struggled with bringing my secrets into the light, I have always hid the things I am shameful of, I have always struggled with being vulnerable. Christ taught me the importance of depending on your brother and sisters in your trials, and this is vital in the healing process. So what did I do? Shared my video testimony and blog online for the world to see. Now it’s all up in His hands to do what needs to be done with it.
  6. Resolved past wounds. I have struggled with forgiveness, and giving people the benefit of the doubt… especially when they really hurt me. This past month has been filled with new beginnings, forgiveness and peace.

THESE are just a snippet of the CRAZY progressions I have overcome. Just because my weight may not have been up this time, that does not mean that I have not come so far. I am slowly reintroducing Kathryn again. I am SO excited to get to know her again, and thoroughly just her.

The biggest thing to recognize though, is dependance on my Father. Without Him through this battle, I would have absolutely no desire to seek and pursue treatment.

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do al this through him who gives me strength. || Philippians 4:11-13 

Don’t lose hope. God has overcome, God is sovereign, and Christ has already claimed victory over the power of this disorder through his death on the cross. As you walk through this with Him, speak out the truth that Christ has won and no sin or temptation can be in the presence of the Risen King, and no voice of ED has power over the words of Christ saying, “It is finished”. God loves you abundantly more than you can fathom, and loves you unconditionally and fiercely; He payed the price of His only son’s blood to call you His daughter. He made you beautiful, in His image, unique, and exactly how He wanted. Walk in his victory, walk in that hope, and rejoice in every circumstance because of those truths.