Month: November 2016

Emotional Depletion

Emotional Depletion

The past two days has been a bag of emotions. I feel like I was just run over by a train – I am SO tired. Work. The past two days has been big regarding work. I recently resigned from my position from Starbucks. Things at the […]

Glory, Glory, Glory be to HIM

Glory, Glory, Glory be to HIM

Hello Hello Hello my loves! These past few days has been filled with endless messages of love and encouragement. Just a fraction was shown on my last blog post. More and more have poured in since then. My eyes have been so unbelievably opened to […]

Overwhelming Love

Overwhelming Love

 

Hello my friends!

I truly cannot put into words how overwhelming and amazing this day has been. Today was the day that I shared my testimony video on Facebook, along with the link to my blog.

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The love, support and endless messages with encouragement and prayers was truly unbelievable. I probably cried more today, receiving these endless loving messages than I have in the past week.

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All the glory to GOD. He has blessed me with the most amazing and supportive people in my life.

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Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace.

1 Peter 4:8-10

 

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I have no words. My heart is so full.

To my amazing friends, thank you for being you. Thank you for the endless love. Ultimately, I want Christ to be shown through this battle. All the glory and praise to Him, for without Him, there is no way I would have made it as far as I have and there would be no reason for me to desire a life free of this sinful addiction.

God, THANK YOU. You are not done with me yet, and thank you for walking alongside with me in every step that I take – even the step today as I made this disorder public. Let this vulnerability be all about you. Give me peace in knowing that there is no shame of having this eating disorder, for it is not my fault. Give me a vigorous desire to get healthy, to get my life back – disorderless.

 

 

The Power and Defeat in Prayer

The Power and Defeat in Prayer

But in my distress I cried out to the Lord;     yes, I prayed to my God for help. He heard me from his sanctuary;     my cry to him reached his ears. Psalm 18:6 There is power in the name of JESUS. Life can be hard […]

Blessings in Change

Blessings in Change

JUST A TRIM! Hahah. Not. I have been bored recently… I felt like it was time to do something fun and spontaneous… SO I cut off all my hair (it was legit down to my butt before). This might sound a bit stupid, but my […]

I wanna know HIM more

I wanna know HIM more

I surrender, I wanna know You more.

I know that I’ve been kinda awol recently… This past week has had its fair share of celebrations and triumph, yet tears and battles.

Refeeding. One of the most physically and mentally exhausting things to do. It is painful to sit at the table and feel the pit of your stomach stir and formulate nervous sensation that turns in nausea, anger and numbness. The intimidation you are overcome with as you stare at food. Food is NOT intimidating – it is something to be excited about, not scared of. To look at these plates full of food and feel the eyes of my family members beating on me as they investigate every small bite I take.

Kevin. Man, I love this kid more and more every day. He has been so good to me since finding out about my disorder. He is one of my biggest encouragements, he has sacrificed so much so he can show me love through this. Kev has made me laugh, in times where the pressure of food makes me cry. He remembers Kathryn, who I was before Ed came into my life, even while I am unsure. He knows how to connect with me, and talk to me, not even entertaining the fact that I have this eating disorder…something my family really struggles with doing, as every conversation held with my parents is typically disorder related. Ugh.

Like a rushing wind, Jesus breathe within.

Maddie. I think it is actually crazy how adorable this girl is. Maddie has the most genuine heart, is so unbelievably caring and such a wonderful listener. She is a BEAM of the Lord’s light, always referring back to how good he is in my life. Maddie really touched my heart last night, Cassie and I were nervous about filming our testimonies which will be shared in public – this is my first big step in the public knowing about what I struggle with. This is a big deal. (I wont go into detail, as details of this story will be posted on Sunday). As we pulled into the parking lot of the church to film, Maddie grabbed Cassie and my hands, “I want to pray for you guys.” And thats just what happened. Maddie is such a beautiful soul, crying out to Christ to be ever so present in this evening, to be shown through our testimonies and for further healing over Cassie and I. Man, I love her.

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Jesus, hear my cries. 

Anxieties. FOOD IS NOT MEANT TO GIVE PEOPLE ANXIETY. I have been uneasy all week, my mood is thrown off, I have lashed out at people so many times, I feel ill, my mind is racing, voices are louder than ever, all because I am seeking recovery. 

Memories. I went through all the photos I have back up on my computer this week, and I came across some amazing ones that brought a genuine smile to my face. These have made me come to terms that even in the midst of this disorder, there were such wonderful moments.

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One of the last pictures I have of myself “healthy”

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Literally in love with her
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“Packaged deal” – Jess 
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Everything about this photo makes me smile. 
Friends. The importance of having them in the loop with what you’re going through is VITAL in recovery.  This is something that I am learning more and more about each day that I strive to get healthy. Friends are able to support you through encouragement and distractions when things are tough – two VERY important aspects in recovery.

Therapy. I had another session today. This session I was accompanied by my parents. Things got emotional fast. I am learning more and more about how healthy therapy is, especially for my relationships with my parents. Ashley has provided some good insight, she has encouraged my parents on what to say and what not to say or do. I have mixed feelings though, my disorder dreads these appointments, where as Kathryn KNOWS they are vital in healing.

Lord have Your way, Lord have Your way in me.

Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.  God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son.

Ephesians 1:4-6

The Beginning of the Rest of my Life

The Beginning of the Rest of my Life

Yesterday was the beginning of my recovery program. Yesterday was the hardest day of my entire life – no questions asked. Yesterday was the day that I told myself that I would rather die than submit to this recovery. Yesterday was the start of a life of happiness. […]

Reasons to Recover

Reasons to Recover

There are a million and a half reasons to recover, but I’ll just list off ten of the most important reasons for me to get healthy. Period. Starting my own family one day. I need to be healthy enough to regain a consistent menstrual cycle. Even […]

Work, Work, Work and Work.

Work, Work, Work and Work.

Work. I love what I do. Being a barista comes with so many blessings, getting to make all the fancy drinks, getting to drink all the free coffee, serving the wonderful (and even the crabby) customers, and seeing the effect that one cup of coffee that you provided a customer with and how it can completely flip their day upside down. That being said, of course it is still a job and can be frustrating and incredibly difficult at times – especially demanding on someone with an eating disorder. I recently cut back from full time to part time, doctors orders… yet I am still finding 25 hours a week to be too much sometimes. I am still falling over at work, exerting all the bare minimal amount of energy that I am getting on my job. I suppose time will tell if I need to cut back more or not.

CHRISTMAS AT STARBUCKS. This is the most jolly time of the year. So many people come in with rosy cheeks from the frost kissing their faces, to sip on a warm peppermint mocha or a caramel brûlée. As amazing as it is to work as a barista during the Christmas time it is also insane. People go CRAZY over the christmas drinks, lining up forever just to grab their daily dose of sugar and maybe a Christmas gift or two for their loved ones. This time of year makes the barista’s frantically learn how to work running in circles at the speed of light. As wonderful as it is to work, it can be stressful. (This is where I insert a friendly reminder for people to be gracious and patient with their baristas this holiday season, we are doing our best). This year will be especially hard on myself, as my disorder has significantly taken a deeper toll on my body since last year. Challenge accepted!

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Round 2 of Christmas at Starbucks!

Okay, so still sbux related but kinda take a slight turn. As the Christmas changeover took place earlier this week, we got new menu boards. These are the stupidest and most infuriating boards ever made. What a trigger it was to review the new menu. As you read you way across the boards, you saw the new addition that Starbucks has implemented, the calorie listing for every drink, every size and every food. WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?!?! Ok now for my rant: 1. Why would anyone give a CRAP about the calorie count? 2. The only people that would actually be concerned about the fact that a grande pike has 5 calories in in would be people who have an unhealthy relationship with food, some sort of eating disorder. 3. What is Starbuck’s trying to accomplish from telling their customers about the calorie count in all their unhealthy beverages?

This is bull. This is so unnecessary and triggering.

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Ugh.

On the contrary, I enjoyed a beautiful dark roast coffee today, Starbucks Christmas blend, WITH ROOM FOR SOY PLS. That’s right, your girl put SOY in her COFFEE! Just yet another little big deal.

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Mmmm!!!!!

Cassie also sent me a very encouraging snap today (which kinda prompted me to order soy in my coffee). She is so strong. The fire of Christ is most defiantly burning within her. Little big deals, my friends.

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For every child of God defeats this evil world, and we achieve this victory through our faith.

1 John 5:4

Top Ten Recent Thoughts

Top Ten Recent Thoughts

FOOD. One of God’s generous gifts to us. Food is good, it is our fuel so we are enabled to praise him in all that we do. Nothing about food is scary.  Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat […]