Yesterday had its challenges, don’t get me wrong, but in comparison to the past week today was a ‘good day’. Food. I ate a bit more yesterday, pushing aside the very prominent thoughts and urges from Ana to not, but I knew that if I wanted […]
Month: October 2016
I woke up this morning with feeling as though I had the weight of the world upon my chest. I felt hopeless.
I looked in the mirror and quickly looked away. I felt my legs and stomach and cheeks, I immediately ran to the basement where I pushed myself to have an intense workout. I stopped when I didn’t think my heart could race anymore than it was.
I was not okay. I have not been okay…. Am I ever okay?
I’ve been lying to people for the past two days, stating that I am doing okay when really it is the opposite. I’ve mentally been the worst I have been in a while.
I spent the morning in tears, with dark thoughts that I was almost sure I would never come to.
I NEED a saviour.
Reminding myself of some reassuring verses:
1. Pain is temporary.
He will wipe away all tears from their eyes. There will be no more death, no more grief or crying or pain. The old things have disappeared. – Revelation 21:4
2. Surrender your burdens to God. Come to me, all of you who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. – Matthew 11:28
3. Give him praise, even through the challenges. Why am I so sad? Why am I so troubled? I will put my hope in God,and once again I will praise him, my savior and my God. – Psalm 43:5
4. While you are fragile, God is strong. His answer was: “My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak.” I am most happy, then, to be proud of my weaknesses, in order to feel the protection of Christ’s power over me. – 2 Corinthians 12:9
5. Keep your sight on Christ. I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me;he freed me from all my fears. The oppressed look to him and are glad; they will never be disappointed. – Psalm 34:4-5
6. God will provide strength. But those who trust in the Lord for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles;they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak. – Isaiah 40:31
The headaches. The dizzy sensation that your world is spinning all around you. Your head is pounding. Feeling queasy. The constant question of whether life is actually happening or not – everything is numb and disconnected. Hyperaware of surroundings of food. You take long and deep breaths […]
I am so AMAZED by my God. He is so present in the midst of my disorder, always showing up and reminding me of his goodness, even when I am in my deepest and most shameful actions or thoughts.
Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak.
Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
I am sick at heart.
How long, O Lord, until you restore me?
Man life is tough. Ana has challenged me to quite the hard and long battle. Specifically over the past two days.. I have restricted more than I have in a while, and it all feels so impossible.
BUT ITS NOT.
Ultimately, I want my disorder to glorify him. I want to fight through the distorted thoughts and twist them to honour him. I want my motives for recovery to be entirely about HIS love for ME. I am worthy.
From the beginning of this battle, Christ has carried me. There has not be a single moment where he has not held me, provided a sense of peace or reminded me that “I’ve got you”. And that is just it, that is all I need to overcome.
Food is not scary. Food is not impossible.
I came across an article today that I LOVE. It is so freakin’ applicable to my life, with my addiction to my anorexia. Check out the article here.
The article outlines such important reminders for people who are struggling to understand the complexity of the addiction. It no way is it as simple as “just eat”, “if you recognize that you are sinning, just stop” or, “to fully be a christian, you have to stop your sin or you are not living out christianity fully”.
- CHRISTIAN’S DO NOT CLAIM TO BE SINLESS: As outlined in 1 John 1:8, If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth.
Who is to say what the qualifications are between your relationship with Christ? Remember, though we understand that we are sinners, we cannot use this as an excuse to sin.
- WILLING BUT DON’T KNOW HOW: Why would I ever desire to be overwhelmed by the addiction that I face? (The Kathryn part of me would never at least). I would not wish this upon my worst enemy. This disorder has absolutely messed with my life, makes me question my identity and not to mention how sick you become, physically and mentally. It sucks – and that’s an understatement. I just don’t know how to fully surrender this to Christ. It’s a work in progress. Willingness is not the issue at hand here.
- NEED OF A SAVIOUR: My sin is TOO BIG for me to handle. I have learned the importance of depending on others, the importance of getting help from people. In order for me to recover, I need support and encouragement. There is no other way around this. I do not trust my own ability in pushing myself to get better. Ultimately, Christ is the biggest support and comfort through this disorder. Ultimately, he has the ability and power to move mountains. Curing me from this disorder is a piece of cake for him 🙂
- GOD’S FORGIVENESS DOES NOT RUN OUT: Ephesians 4:32 reminds us: Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
God has the impossible ability to forgive us. He is forever merciful (Romans 5:20). God has a grip on me. He is never letting go, no matter how much Ana makes me push away.
Go away, all you who do evil,
for the Lord has heard my weeping.
The Lord has heard my plea;
the Lord will answer my prayer.
May all my enemies be disgraced and terrified.
May they suddenly turn back in shame.
She makes devo time a little bit cuter 🙂
“Eating disorders rip apart any love in your life and make you forget who you are and what you deserve.”
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”
Today I made a phone call that could flip my life upside down. Today I gained the courage to start the process of getting help, getting enrolled in an eating disorder addict centre.
The reality is, I am an addict. I am addicted to falling into the false beliefs that I am not good enough. But who is to say that I am not? If I am fearfully and wonderfully made and if my heavenly father came to DIE on a CROSS for ME, then who can say that I am not enough?
My identity is in CHRIST – not my disorder.
I was made to be loved. I was made to be precious. I was made to be a light. I was made to be cherished. I was made to be beautiful. I was made to be confident. I was made to believe in myself.
But I lost sight in knowing I was made to be loved, to be precious, to be a light, to be cherished, to be beautiful, to be confident, to believe in myself.
I have become so caught up in the lies that the devil has fed to me, that I am not enough. That if I changed the way I looked then I would be more attractive, more wanted, more loved, more accepted.
“You see, to the God of the universe, I am everything. I matter. I am loved beyond comprehension. The God who made the stars made every single piece of my body and He loves every single piece. No matter what size it is. No matter what the world thinks is acceptable or pleasing. He loves every single part. He even loves my forgetful mind, my crazy emotions, my (sometimes) klutzy side. He sees me when I feel my ugliest, in my darkest moments of temptation, in joy, in sorrow, in every season. Whether people see me as smart or funny or loveable, God sees me. God takes me, just as I am. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am whole. I am moving forward.”