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I’ve fallen a bit back into old habits of counting calories throughout my day. I was so deep within that addiction for over a year, and finally broke free from it a few months back. Now ED symptoms are heightening and old addictive behaviours such as counting caloric values are making me a slave yet again.
Change. The very thing that I tend to shy away from. Change makes me uncomfortable. I like my life to go as expected, to be aware of things that will be thrown my way, but silly me – I still haven’t come to terms with life never turning out that way.
I am facing so much change over the next few months. I recently got a promotion at work, I work 40 hours a week and have a lot more responsibility. I have committed to working 26 hours while I am in first year (lol pray for me). I have signed a lease, moving out September 3rd into an apartment with Juju. I am leaving my home for the very first time, and being independent isn’t always easy (or safe) with an ED… but I can’t let it stop me from living my life. I am getting started on my education, this year I have grown to a point of health where I can get started on my studies, unlike the place that I was in last year.
Promotion, moving out, starting school, and still finding normality within all of this will be a challenge. I have talked with Ashley and my parents to discuss the rules and qualifications for me to be successful next year. Still prioritizing my Trellis appointments while in school, eating a few meals a week with my parents and needing to maintain a specific weight in order to live outside of home, or stay in school while only taking four courses at a time. Not to mention the communications that my family want to have with Julia and Cody as I am in school, seeing as I will be with those two day in and day out.
The idea of independent freedom that is expected by most students plunging into this stage in life is a little different for me. I realize that these are all precautions to only benefit me in the long run, and I am trying my very best to love my parents and all my support team through these challenges.
This past week I spent an afternoon with Cody, we ran to the grocery store to pick up a few things that he needed a home but he got hungry, so we stopped to get him some lunch on the way home. He had cravings. And he listened to what his body was communicating to him.
Hunger. Okay let’s get food.
Cravings. Okay let’s get him FRIED CHICKEN.
The anorexia in my brain started panicking for him at this point.
I told him I didn’t want to eat, so he grabbed some food for himself. We went in and he ordered a meal. And, thanks to the FDA’s recent menu labelling law, the majority or restaurant have to label the caloric values of their food. I’m not even going to get into the value of the calories, but it was enough to set me off. I shut down and didn’t say much. Cody is really aware and can read when I get triggered. He himself has picked up on the things that get me upset, and understanding how much this disorder has controlled my life, it angers him to see the caloric values on menus just as much as me. So he got the meal, just to prove a point to my eating disorder.
But a few days earlier Cody came over late after work, we wanted to just watch a movie, I was a little moody so we resorted to a quiet night in. This night I had some courage, I have a tea latte (went through a few weeks of only drinking teas at work) and we went to the store to pick up some snack for our movie night. We both wanted cheesecake. SO I told my screaming ED to screw off and we bought some. A piece later and halfway through the movie we both passed. I woke up the next day with some crazy strange conflicting feelings. Part of me felt on top of the world by eating that piece of cheesecake, understanding that before this disorder Kathryn would jump at any chance to eat it. The other part of me felt overwhelmed with guilt. Why did I think I had the right to eat that? And that day was more of a rough day, but I made it through. I concluded that evening with confirmation that I was loved and wanted by so many people, and I deserve nothing more than to one day believe that myself.
Pretty pumped to take on what this upcoming year has to offer, I have some of the best people by my side so I don’t have any reason to be concerned. I know I have the ability and strength to fight back and eat without fears one day. I know I will get to a place where I can be helping other people suffering under this disorder too. One day I’ll eat friend chicken and embrace the caloric value with no fears, only smiles of victory.
Writing all the way from Auckland, New Zealand.
This country is unbelievable.
Australia was amazing, but New Zealand is beyond comprehension. There is something about this place that reminds me of home. The scenery here is so peaceful and the people here are genuine.
Australia was wonderful, I loved every bit of it… but it really made me feel so far away from anything that I knew. Nothing about it is familiar, you either get hippy, beachy surfer towns or extreme industrialized and corporate cities.
Inka. Staying in all the hostels that we did in Australia allowed for us to meet many people. There was one girl that roomed with us in Byron Bay named Inka. She is from England and staying in Melbourne for a year working with young children. We went out to a local club together, which thankfully Jess and Inka made somewhat enjoyable. We spent nearly every day with her.
That’s the hard thing about meeting people in hostels: you get to know them and then you have to say goodbye very abruptly. Though technology helps us stay connected, sending one another snapchats and texts to be aware of what our travels look like.
Kevin. UPDATE! Kevin is meeting us in Auckland on Sunday and spending the remaining week and a half travelling with us! Couldn’t be more excited to have my favourite person join us to conclude our travels.
Sarah. My brothers’ “Bonnie lass”. I got the chance to meet her, what a sweet sweet girl. She has a sense of humour like no other – I couldn’t stop laughing the whole time we were together. She has such a passion and love for the Lord, and so much care for others. Hearing the way that her and Kev interact is amazing; I could genuinely see how happy they made one another. Cannot wait to get to know this beautiful lady more and more.
Julia. What a lovely human. My closest Starbucks friend that is always ready with a bottle of red wine to just sit and chat for hours and hours on end. Didn’t think I would end up missing work as much as I have over the past few weeks, I really think a big part of that is me just missing joking around with Juju. In the meantime, she’s spending lots of time with Cody and my parents…. even more reasons for my heart to be so full!
Tourists. Spending much needed time out in the sun, seeing as many things as we possibly can. We saw the Opera House a few days ago… that was such an incredible experience. We’ve taken as many sunny days as we can to go to the beach and soak up all the sun that we know we won’t be returning back to Canada to.
Loved ones. I got a text today from Cody, “guess who just showed up here.” Cody and Julia were out for a drink tonight at State and Main when my parents and my Aunt showed up to have a bite to eat. They all sat together, drank and chatted all night. SO happy to see all the people I love getting to know one another so well, can’t wait to be apart of that when I return.
Cody. Man, this guy is amazing. He makes me happier than anything. I always look forward to our 4 hour long FaceTime calls at nearly 2am (thanks to the very extreme time change), making one another laugh and catching up on life from the other side of the world. Though I don’t want to come to terms with having to head back home in a week and a bit, I couldn’t be more excited to see him again.
Amelia. Someone who has always been an encouragement to me, no matter where we are at in our lives or how long it has been since we have connected. Just before I left for Australia, my dear friend Amelia reached out to me, sending lots of love and encouragement when she read that things had been a bit of a struggle for me. Since then we have been talking back and forth. I opened a message a few days back, read it and then closed it shortly after. She asked some really difficult questions… ones that I really struggled to answer.
“My questions for you TODAY as you read this: 1. What’s one reason TODAY to love your body? 2. What is one thing TODAY that you’ve realized you absolutely love?”
So my answers:
1. Today I love my body because it gave me the energy and capability to walk all around this beautiful country. Today I love my body because no matter how many negative thought I have about it, or however much I chose to neglect to nourish it, it fights against my destructive thoughts and actions, always striving for health and mobility. My body has loved me each and every day that I have chosen to not love it.
2. Today I absolutely love my eyes. Someone complimented the colour of my eyes a few days back, and it got me thinking a lot about how easy it is to find something you love about someone else’s body and how hard it is to find something that you love about your own. Today I chose to accept the compliment, and embrace the fact that I can like my own eyes just as much as this random stranger told me that they did.
Amelia, thank you for the challenge. I wanted to ignore the questions because I genuinely didn’t think I had anything good to say at this point and time, but I forced myself to answer them, and it helped give a new perspective of self love. I encourage you all to answer those two questions as well 🙂
GRACE means there is nothing we can do to make God love us MORE and there is nothing we can do to make God love us less.
Lots of love,
Since being in Australia, I am travelling around larger cities with an immense amount of advertisement. Media – such a toxic and corrupt influencer in peoples lives. Creating pressures and standards that literally no one can meet, yet we are foolish and desperate enough to […]
The past two days has been filled with so many events and such great memories. Too much to not write down – at least before I forget.
Jess and I are currently sitting in the YWAM cafe, having a few hours to write to our families, journal and connect with friends back at home. Just the perfect time to blog 🙂
- KOKev. The OG Stiterz. My brother and my best friend. Someone who makes me laugh more than anyone else, who gets who I am and who is equally just as weird as I am. Forever thankful for this human here. Forever my favourite person.
2. We went to Magnetic island as a group of four for the night. We explored some beaches, went on a hike and saw some pretty wicked animals. We could not get over the fact that all four of us has regrouped and are casually hanging out in Australia. A dream come true.
3. I got to purchase my first legal drink! Jess and I seperated from the boys for a few hours yesterday and decided to stop off to talk and start our vacation off right. The anorexia made a quick appearance for a moment or two, reminding me of me fear of alcoholic calories and reminding me of a time where I couldn’t even put alcohol to my lips without tears and tears. But I quickly read over a text from Cassie the other day,
“You is brave. You is strong. You is important. God needs you to fight them. You know they are of ‘Ed.’ Hence they are not of God.”
So I took the drink and finished the whole thing, just to tell Ed to screw off.
3. Oh my goodness. This dog, Goldie, is actually the cutest yet most psychotic dog I have ever met. We met Goldie at the b&b that we stayed at on the island…. which was quite the experience actually – We walked in the bold heat like hippies on the side of the road for about an hour, trying to find this random b&b that we had rented. Finally, we got to the street that it’s on and once we found it, to our surprise, it was completely covered in barbed wire, uncut grass and barred windows. We knocked on the door and this lady walked towards us, taking us back, we realized she is only in only a bra and a pair of shorts. She thought we were not coming as there is a big cyclone warning in effect. The fact that she was only in a bra didn’t even phase her until several minutes of talking to us. She invited us in, showed us our rooms and gave us some food to eat. To then only proceed to introduce us to her dog. She is hilarious, one of the most down to earth hippies ever. Long story short, we got a good laugh out of it and will now forever have this story that we all got to share.
4. Evening walks on Magnetic Island. Appreciating the sunsets here – there unlike the ones at home.
5. Love love love them.
6. We spent the afternoon making fun of Kevin trying his hardest to get his hair into a bun.
7. Swimming in the ocean. Though my eyes turned bright red due to all the salt getting in them, and the few waves that overtook us, we had such a great time at the beach. We spend a couple hours swimming, eating lunch and suntanning (warning the sun in Australia is STRONG… wear sunscreen… I learned the hard way and now I am completely red and in burning pain… only me of course). 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
8. Wallabys. One of the walks that we went on on the island was filled with these baby kangaroo animals, called wallabys. They’re so small and cuddly. I almost wanted to take one home with me.
9. This was the part of the day that we all had discussed the need to apply sunscreen, to then only not do so for another 4 hours.
10. The beach is a short walk away from the YWAM Townsville base, so on Friday night Jess, Kev and I took a walk. It was nice to get away and chat a bit. The idea of how life here is normal for some people blew my mind. How insane would it be to just take a casual 10 minute walk down to the local beach for a night swim in the ocean and on the way home grabbing a froyo. Life in Canada is a bit different.
I am pretty excited to continue these travels, we leave for Brisbane tomorrow, but also sad to say goodbye to my brother for another 4ish months. I am missing work but also enjoying this time off that I get. I am looking forward to meeting new people at all the hostels that we are staying at.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:16-18